Making Them Stop!
"Bud" stands in front of the group. Tonight is his turn to do a relationship history. Under court order, Bud (not his real name) is at Emerge, a Counseling Service on Domestic Violence. This is his 12th weekly session out of the 40 he must attend to avoid criminal charges.
As Bud details all his serious relationships with women, a pattern becomes visible — particularly in the column headed "abusive behavior": cursing, slapping, shoving, punching, stabbing. Abuse shows up in every relationship — and sexual coercion part of most. For the first time in his life, Bud is taking responsibility for the pain he has inflicted on so many women.
This personal acceptance of responsibility is one of Emerge's primary goals for clients who generally blame their victims for goading them to abuse.
FIRST OF ITS KIND. Twenty-four years ago, David Adams joined a group of men seeking a different solution to domestic violence. "Society asks, 'Why does she put up with it?' rather than 'Why does he beat her?'" says Adams. Since then, his life has been dedicated to answering the second question.
Each year, hundreds of men — from a wide spectrum of ages, professions, ethnic backgrounds and income levels — go through the program. Nowadays, the agency is so highly respected that up to 25 percent are voluntary.
Emerge has a broad definition of abuse: coercive behavior — physical, psychological, sexual, verbal and economic — that undermines the victim's self-esteem and independence.
At each session, clients describe any abusive or controlling behavior they have shown in the previous week. Group leaders and members are quick to catch even minor discrepancies in these reports.
CHICKEN OR EGG. Participants must also acknowledge alcohol or drug use. Battering was once seen as alcohol-induced behavior, but studies show that the truth is more sinister: Men drink to give themselves an excuse to batter. Clients with alcohol or drug problems are referred to other social service agencies. Emerge also regularly seeks feedback from the men's partners.
The program is not a miracle cure. Many clients refuse to admit that they are abusive, and others are unwilling to change. About 50 percent drop out during the initial eight-week First Stage, even if that lands them back in the criminal justice system.
But for those who are motivated to change and who actively participate in the process, families and relationships are changed forever.
As Bud looks at the list before him, group members see a flicker of a smile and call him on it. It's nerves, he says — embarrassment. "You can't think I feel good about what I've done." — S.E.H.
