The Intimate Enemy
Every 15 seconds, a woman is battered in this country. Public Employee relates members' struggles with domestic abuse — and reports on AFSCME's efforts to combat it and make sure survivors are not penalized on the job.
By Susan Ellen Holleran
MARTINEZ, CALIFORNIA
Frightened children have nightmares that monsters are hiding under their beds or in their closets. For Lena O'Neal the monster is not just a dream. He is the man she once loved, and he lives in her house.
When they got together nine years ago, "Harry" (we'll call him) seemed like such a sweet man — just a little controlling. Initially, he wanted to control her finances; then it was her friends and family. "He threw my children out as soon as he could, and has made my 4-year-old grandson unwelcome. My family and friends are terrified to come to my house."
Soon Harry was controlling her life through ridicule and intimidation. For O'Neal, leaving home is not an option. The home is hers. Her efforts center on getting Harry to move.
"He pounds it into my head that I can't beat him," says O'Neal. He's more than six feet tall; she's just over five feet. "When he shoves and pushes me around, it is terrifying. For a long time, I felt so helpless that I had almost decided to kill myself."
OUT OF HORROR. Then one day, O'Neal regained her perspective. Though there were some things she couldn't change at the time, she could reach out for help and support. And she could use her experiences to help others.
As a Local 2700 steward and executive board member in Contra Costa County, women had been coming to her with work-related problems arising from domestic abuse. She realized that if she was going to be able to help them — and herself — she needed to learn more about the problem and potential solutions to it.
O'Neal began volunteering with Stand Against Domestic Violence, a local support group. Being multilingual (she speaks Spanish, Hindi, Urdu and Farsi), she is able to help women who are not fluent in English. She has gathered information on community resources, taken counseling courses and attended therapy sessions.
AT WORK. Contra Costa County has long had a good track record on fighting domestic violence. But it had no program specifically to help its employees.
O'Neal and Local 2700 Chief Steward Octavia Bazile had seen that domestic violence often jeopardized the survivors' jobs. "We want to protect our workers," says Bazile. "I'm employed by the courts in family law. We are constantly extending ourselves to help the public, but we need to help our members."
The union has already met with a sympathetic county supervisor, and knows it can draw on the experiences of other AFSCME councils and local unions as it establishes new policies.
As that process is moving along, O'Neal advises abused members whose problems at home are spilling over into the job. "I tell them what I have learned and how I am handling my own situation," she says. "I let them know they have options."
One battered female member was facing discipline for absenteeism. Unable to sleep, she had become addicted to sleeping pills. O'Neal saved her job, referred her to the employee assistance program and got her into treatment.
O'Neal also helped the daughter of another co-worker. "I went with her to get a restraining order," she says. Her attacker was arrested and jailed.
GETTING IT TOGETHER. In assisting other women, O'Neal has discovered her own strengths. The verbal and emotional abuse still take their toll on her, but she finally understands that she is not the cause of the problem.
Indeed, O'Neal is regaining control of her life. A former chainsmoker, she stopped smoking some nine months ago, and is proud of having lost 20 pounds. She has just won a major promotion to a job with more responsibility and higher pay.
After being isolated for years, she is now inviting friends and co-workers to visit her at home.
Each day O'Neal comes closer to freeing herself. It is a precarious time. But she is pleased with her progress — with winning back her self-esteem. She knows that she will soon awaken from her nightmare and find that the monster is gone.
Warning Signs
Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship. Your answers will help you determine whether or not you are at risk.
Be Prepared
Giving up on a relationship and leaving your partner — even if he is violent — can be a very difficult decision. Since abusive behavior keeps escalating, however, it is good to plan for emergencies. Here are some tips.
- Arrange a signal to use with a trusted neighbor when you need help, so he or she can call the police.
- Keep a packed bag with a friend or relative. The bag should include:
- Notify your job, schools, courts and friends NOT to give out any information about where you are.
The Family Violence Prevention Fund is a good information source: www.fvpf.org. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (TDD 1-800-787-3224), can provide information on local services. Their English- and Spanish-speaking staff are available 24 hours a day.
