Not for Women Only

At home and on the job, American women are having their lives and livelihoods threatened and destroyed by men they know. All of us are paying the price.

When women picture danger, they often imagine a dark street, a threatening stranger. The truth: They're looking in the wrong direction.

In fact, danger is far more likely to come from men they know — including acquaintances, boyfriends and spouses.

Jody Conner learned this lesson firsthand.

"I knew my husband had a terrible temper and I knew he yelled, but I didn't think he'd ever lay a hand on me," says Conner, 46, an AFSCME member who asked that her real name not be used for this article.

One night, when Conner had gone out with a friend from work, she came home to find her husband waiting for her. She says, "He didn't like the fact that I was going out with this girl. He threw me to the floor."

Conner was 22 years old at the time and married two years. She had become one of the 4 million women each year who are physically abused by their husbands or boyfriends, according to the Family Violence Prevention Fund.

Domestic violence exacts a toll on individual women and on American business and government. Absenteeism, higher health care expenses, and lost productivity from abused women cost corporate America $3 billion to $5 billion a year, the Bureau of National Affairs estimates. Unions and employers can be a part of the solution.

Unions are focusing their attention on domestic violence this October as part of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

AT WORK. Women in Conner's position don't leave the abuse behind when they go to work in the morning. Abusive husbands and lovers harass nearly three-fourths of battered women at work, either in person or over the telephone.

However, Conner did not share her pain with any of her co-workers. "It was one of those things you never talk about because you're so embarrassed. I felt I did something to create this situation," she recalls.

This reaction isn't unusual, according to Renee Tourville, a domestic violence officer with the Manchester, Conn., police and a member of Local 1495 (Council 15). Says Tourville, "Often, domestic violence is surrounded by silence. Women are too ashamed to talk about it."

The police officer advises that if you believe a co-worker or friend is suffering abuse, encourage her to talk about it. "If a spouse or other intimate is being abusive or threatens to become abusive, talking about what's happening can be the first step toward safety," says Tourville.

It is important that friends, colleagues and family help a battered woman regain control over her life by not making decisions for her, she adds. "Support her if she chooses to reach out for help, urge her to contact local police if a crime has been committed, and respect her confidentiality regardless of her decision," Tourville advises.

Tourville strongly encourages women to contact hotlines, shelters and local police early on to learn about their options and to develop a safety plan to avoid and escape the abuse.

Too embarrassed to speak about her husband's violence, Conner did not reach out for any of these resources and endured years of pain.

ESCAPE. After 22 years, Conner at last told her husband that she did not love him anymore. Two weeks later, when her husband "went into a rage," she left for good.

"I finally realized I wasn't going to take it anymore," she says.

But Conner's three teenage sons, who themselves had become abusive toward her, chose to stay with their father. This choice still pains her: "I got out, but at the cost of my children."

Now divorced, Conner is in a healthy relationship. "It's a new beginning," she says. "It's wonderful to be able to love somebody and have him love you back."

By Alison S. Lebwohl